I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
