Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
