Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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