It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
