when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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