After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
