even my farts smell like vagina
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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