matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
