Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Randomize
