i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
two words: eviction party
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
