well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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