a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
