Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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