and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize