i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I need moral support for this bender
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
