you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
