do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
