I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
