I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
