happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
