i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize