I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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