Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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