oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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