i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
