I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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