He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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