Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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