I look better un-naked...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
