he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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