Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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