My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
