Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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