That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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