How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
stop calling my apartment porn island.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
