i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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