Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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