So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
