I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Randomize
