the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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