just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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