Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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