I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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