You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
either way he was missing a nipple.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
