He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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