Your dad touched me again.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
