So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
