Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
