Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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