Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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