Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You're a waste of cheezeits
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm too high and old for this...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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