Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
