Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My vagina is very pro this idea
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
