i just sent this text using only my big toe
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
