Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
