You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
