thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
