Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
