You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
