went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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