the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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