someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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