if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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