Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
