ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
false alarm, still single
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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