My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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