i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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