i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
