She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
